Where I am right now does feel like mid life crisis (mind voice says what a joke!!!!) it at times feel like my sin is being thrown back at me, at times it feels like all that is done is for nothing. Self-love does scream out loud and it demands all the attention, but to know that self-love when not countered with the identity in Christ it all comes spiralling downwards. All the confusion and questions many times are unanswered, and so let it be. I started to write this last night it was incomplete as it always is without Christ, I found my answer in today's readings. (Romans6:12-18 ; Luke 12:39-48) I had much to think and write but I let this be where it is. rest of it stays in my diary.
LOOSE MYSELF... TO BE A SLAVE!
I've lost myself totally
in doing things.
Duty is important
much needed;
but forgot to find myself
in you.
It feels like
I am disillusioned,
with my efforts,
my work,
my way,
not really seeking…
to please you,
through my deeds.
How did I start in spirit
ended up in flesh.
Focused on self
demanding my way
Lord it seems
hard to bear
the fall, my fall.
Where have I been,
if not your presence
if not in your grace
Have I been wasting away
giving away my all...
my life…
Without counting the cost
I feel like
I’m loosing myself
in nothing.
Is it worth O Lord ?
When I'll stand at the gate of heaven
Will it be worth it?
Would it have mattered
in eternity,
what I did here on earth
Will I find myself in you?
When I loose myself for you.
Cause I don’t see
any of my own image
No reflection of mine
Or is it just the crisis hitting me.
Where will I be
Without you
But I do feel so lost…
at present,
Nothing makes sense,
Nothing moves,
Nothing feels alive,
I feel dead.
Are you calling me to die?
To die to my identity
die to My life
die to what I’ve thought so long as mine
die to some glimpse of myself.
I’ve seen some moments
but my eyes of faith
seems so tainted.
Lord deliver me
From me
Deliver me
From insanity
That I feel
Deliver me
From despair
Deliver me
From disorientation
Deliver me
From crisis
Deliver me
From my pride
Deliver me
from my questions
Deliver me
From the lies
Deliver me
From sadness
Come be with me
Come live in me
Come live through me
For you have set me free
through your sacrifice
you lost your life
that I may have one
you died
that I may live
you became nothing
so I can be a son
a daughter
an adopted one.
Let me become a slave of obedience
Let me become a slave of righteousness
Help me become a slave of righteousness in humility.
________________________________________________________
love ya,
sm_eagle
